The Ramblings of a Mad Woman

~ Lisa Ancona-Roach ~ Leave a comment

It’s been a while since I put fingers to keyboard to share my thoughts in this space, with a major reason being that our “muzzle velocity” reality broke my brain — and my heart…just as intended.

Steve Bannon used the term in 2019 about the media — “flood the zone” to overwhelm them so they can’t cover all that’s being done and they’ll “never be able to recover.” But it’s more than that — we’ve lived in nonstop thing-after-thing-after-thing-after-thing-after-thing for over ten years now, and…

…it’s like getting pelted by some sort of jacked-up tennis ball machine that’s firing spiked balls of malevolence at you non-stop…until eventually you crumple into a duck-and-cover heap because all that’s left is the bloody pulp of exhaustion and pain.

It’s debilitating…Just as intended.

And it seems like what the masses can “tolerate” just keeps getting pushed further and further with every passing news cycle. (Don’t get me started on the Cornell 7 and how the sitting president feels bad for them. There’s just so many things not to get me started on…)

Long ago, I wanted to write about how we aren’t even seeing the awfulness in the term “the worst of the worst,” but I couldn’t get myself to focus enough to do so. But let me just say here: You see it, right?

The worst of the worst.

So many people are okay with using that phrase as a satisfactory approach to immigration “reform” — or ICE activities. “Hey — they’re only going after the worst of the worst…As long as they’re just going after the criminals, (which, btw, we know isn’t true) I’m good with that…”

But when you say “worst of the worst,” what you are saying is that…immigrants are the worst…and the worst of them are the criminal immigrants.

Whenever I have this conversation with someone, they are like, “Wow…I never thought of it that way…” I’m not sure why that is the case, but I do know that the desensitization we have all experienced through the thing-after-thing onslaught — and the normalizing of dehumanizing language, and the witnessing of such crazy awful things like putting people in cages and blowing up boats and schools and encouraging American cities to be attacked and the livestreaming of firing squad murders — is horrific for our souls.

And through this overexposure to awful, too many have become too comfortable with nasty vitriol and smug contempt. Yes…both sides have been guilty of it, but I cannot accept that this is an “equal issue” — the stakes are very different. When I watched Fox “News” during my news coverage comparison experiment, I realized that their “news”casters had such condescension and smugness any time they referred to anything left of hard right while omitting facts and curating footage…it is more than disappointing. It is downright dangerous. They feed people diets of hate and lies that have fostered a mindset that helped put those in power who have done the awful I have referenced…and more.

This “new world” has left me nearly devoid of hope…

But…

My son works for a campaign of a young person with a good heart. The campaign is thriving with the strength of young people…And the stories my son tells me about the people still fighting for good…

He — and they — give me hope.

And as we are less than a month away from the midterms, I am trying to gather myself as best I can here to lift my voice and say VOTE.

Vote early if you can so that the lines are shorter for those who can’t — and for many more reasons.

I wrote and originally posted the piece below, “A Crazy Little Fairy Tale…or Is It?” in December 2020… just a few weeks before the Jan 6. It felt like an almost eerie prophecy after that, and — while I don’t want to give myself too much credit — when I revisit it, the prophecy and analogy continue to evolve in meaning — at least to me. It is just more horrific. What was originally a certain level of destruction, debasing of norms, and fraud has grown into concentration camps, the destabilization of the world economy, war, billions in grifted wealth, and the genuine risk of the death of democracy.

I’m not sure if truth can return as a reality and value in this “post truth era”… but I refuse to give up when people like my son and all of the people who are working hard to take care of each other and do what is right are still fighting, too.

So…VOTE…like democracy depends on it.

Because it does.

The ship IS on fire. But we CAN come to the rescue. 

VOTE.

A crazy little fairy tale…or is it?

(Originally posted December 2, 2020)

There was a captain of a ship who was fired from his job and told to—as his contract states—finish his voyage and then leave. Rather than accepting this and behaving professionally, he claims that he was not fired and tells all the passengers that he is being attacked. He threatens to just keep the ship out at sea. The company tells him they can prove that all protocols were followed in his firing, but he dismisses them and continues to tell the passengers he is being attacked. Many of the passengers believe him. Many more don’t. They just want to get back to land safely and return to their lives. Arguments ensue. There are a handful of elite passengers who have enjoyed all the special perks the captain has given them on their voyage, so they go along with his cries of being attacked as they continue to enjoy their VIP privileges.

While all of this is going on, the captain is ransacking the ship and taking whatever he can. He tells the passengers who believe him to fight for him. He tells them that the passengers who don’t agree with them are losers and part of the conspiracy against him. The captain-followers are enraged by this and ask the captain what they should do. He tells them to keep fighting for him and to give him money.

They do.

In the meantime, when he starts to realize that he can’t keep his job unless he stays out at sea…but that he can’t stay out at sea or they will die, he comes up with a plan. Since he will never admit failure, he will instead bring down one of the most glorious ships ever made as a way to show his strength. He reaches out to the elites to coordinate the destruction of the ship. These special few will escape on lifeboats while the masses go down with the ship. Since the captain is letting them take whatever they want with them, they go along with the plan.

So…while the captain-following passengers are busy attacking and fighting the other passengers, the captain goes around starting little fires that he fans into bigger ones. The elites are busy blocking exits and locking doors. The fires catch hold and start to cripple the ship. Some of the captain-following passengers see the fire but the captain just tells them that it will keep them warm and to go on fighting.

They do.

When the other passengers smell smoke, find the fires, and try to put them out, they realize it is too late. They try to run to the lifeboats, but thanks to the elites, they are trapped.

As this horror takes place below deck, the captain and the elites are filling all the extra lifeboats with their stolen goods and launching themselves away from the sinking ship. They watch the ship now fully engulfed in flames. They don’t seem to see it as a tragedy. After all, they made some serious money because of it. How can that be a tragedy? If anything, it is an “unfortunate byproduct” of their newfound additional wealth.  

The captain watches the flames in amazement. “Look at that,” he tells the elites. “Isn’t that the most beautiful thing you have ever seen? No one has ever sunk a ship that big before. No one. I’m the only one.” One of the elites piped up, “Yes, Captain…this has to be the biggest sabotage the world has ever seen.”

“Damn right,” the captain spat. “This will be my legacy.”

Moving into Alignment

~ Lisa Ancona-Roach ~ 2 Comments

On the cusp of discarding 2025 (tabernak!) …it’s time for me to share (for the 13th time!) what my word or frame is heading into the new year. Last year I wrote about living my season of “Yes, and…No,” and yes, I did get the tattoos…

And this year’s word is a natural byproduct of continuing to live in this season. Ongoing discernment of the choices I make and why I make them is leading me to an internal reality that is this year’s word: alignment.

I mean…it’s not quite as simple as that. It’s been a year.

My original grand “project” was to tackle a few internal challenges in the ongoing work-in-progress that is me, “do the work,” as they say, and come out on the other side the better for it. Turns out I don’t live in a vacuum, though, and other people had their own Projects (2025, anyone?) and our world got even more seriously fucked up.

My plan shifted to simply trying to make it through the day. Day after heart-and-soul-assaulting day. My prescient nightmare had a sequel that was a compounded level of scary that rocked me to my core.

Amidst that fear, though, the work—in the beginning, without purposeful, conscious intention—continued. It was as if, in order to endure the initial shockwaves of our “new world order,” my subconscious was sifting and sorting through my own personal sieve all the crap of the world that was enabling or letting this shit happen…and things started falling away.

[This is the point where I think, Hmm…I may be sharing a little more of my crazy than the average girl, but… oh, well! If I’m the only one feeling this way, then…you’ve learned a new perspective, and if not—well, then maybe we’ve connected.]

I knew I had to will my overwhelmed self to roll up my sleeves and actively work the sieve. While the results of the work my subconscious managed on her own were fully aligned—I needed to consciously examine key tenets and beliefs so that I could claim them as mine or eschew them because they were not aligned with my heart and soul. I wanted to fully own this sifting that felt like a now nonnegotiable process.  

Full disclosure: it was painful. Institutions…people…that I once thought were built on a foundation of solid, dependable rock were revealed to have footings in quicksand. Things I believed in all my life no longer mean the same or hold true. At least for me. And darn if that doesn’t have a wild ripple effect. Wild.

But what is left…well, that is fully aligned with…me.

Just what does that mean, though?

It doesn’t mean that I’ve done away with anything or anyone who doesn’t agree with me. I believe our inability to work through differences is a big part of our problem—though I do hold exception for certain “camps” of disagreement. For some, I just…can’t…Closed heart/closed mind…we done.

What it does mean is that that which is within me is aligned. What I believe. What I hold true. The tenets I follow. The integrity I hold. The truths I uphold. Mine.

There’s a lot more to be said about the “guts” of what I’m really talking about, but you just stopped by for a few hundred words, so I won’t go deep. (You’re welcome.) But in the “both things can be true” category, it has made for a great upheaval within me but also a peaceful resolve—and has helped bring about personal clarity during a time of tremendous chaos.  

And I’m not done—I don’t think I’ll ever be. It seems ongoing, this tending to alignment—like going to a soul chiropractor when something feels out of whack.

Finally, while it may sound like this is all inward-facing work (or navel-gazing, for the critics)—I think this clarity results in me being better connected to others, too—something we hear over and again is so critical during these challenging times. And I’m so very grateful for this.

So…yeah…it’s been a year. And while alignment may not be what is at the top of your list for 2026, whatever the case—I do hope that your year is full of health, hope, laughter, and love. (And also…Go Bears!)

A Different Kind of FraGeeLay

~ Lisa Ancona-Roach ~ 2 Comments

“Good Lord…she’s not going to make her annual FraGeeLay post political…is she?”

Full disclosure: There’s little I can talk about in any depth that isn’t touched by the impact and turmoil of our days.

Go Bears! Westside Improv!

I think that might be the end of the list…

But no—I’m not going to “be” political—I’m just going to be.

In last year’s post, I was worried…

”…even though this is Christmas Eve…I find it extremely difficult not to feel as though we are on a precipice leading to an even more dire time in our history.”

Huh. Nailed it.

This year…my heart, mind, and soul have been dealt consecutive, concurrent concussions for nearly a year (only a year?) from the tumult of our new reality.

I’m thinking you can relate.

So, this feels like a very different kind of FraGeeLay. If you are like me, you find yourself living a “two track life”—where your heart is breaking every day because of new injustices or hurts, and…you also have to get groceries into the house. Where there is an ongoing, deep tenderness but also a numbness that seems to wash over if the tender is too much—like some sort of weird defense system. It’s all a lot—and all the time.  

These are tough days.

And we all need to take care of ourselves and monitor what we let into our world in order to work on our mental health. But I do have a plea to make, if you are someone who is choosing to shut everything out for this reason: please don’t. Not so that you don’t know what is going on. Don’t stick your head in the sand. You need to know. Take care of yourself, but…you need to know what is going on in our world. Find a way that works to stay healthy—but please…also stay informed…hopefully from fair, unbiased sources. And then act as you are able.

You know…ostriches don’t stick their heads in the sand when afraid or in danger. They are actually tending to their nests when they are poking in the sand! And when they’re afraid? They can run as fast as 40mph and kick hard enough to kill a lion.1 Now that’s how you ostrich, baby.

But I digress.

These FraGeeLay posts are always about being gentle with one another and trying to take a moment to take in the good stuff…and in this 14th (!) one, I still know how important all of that is…even though I’m finding everything harder. Guess that makes it all the more important.

I’m trying. I hope you are, too.

I wish you all the best that the holidays have to offer you and those you love…

And may we all weather the storms of our lives and share in the joy of the sunrise when the storm has finally passed.

I’m Branching Out…a Bit

~ Lisa Ancona-Roach ~ Leave a comment

As you may have well noticed over the years…I’m not posting like I used to…and when I do, it’s not like it was from years ago. I have posted a few pieces on Substack, and I aim to bring you along by importing my subscribers from here to there. You may receive something about that in the not too distant future, and if you don’t want to come along for the ride, I respect that and thank you for the follow here.

My latest post is Will Some Very Important Americans Finally SNAP Out of It? if you would like to take a peek.

No matter what…thank you.

I’m not sure of the future of The Juggle Struggle. I have to do some thinking, and I’m not very good at that these days…but I have always appreciated those of you who have taken the time to read my words and see my heart.

It matters to me greatly.

My Season of “Yes, and…No”

~ Lisa Ancona-Roach ~ 3 Comments

It’s that time of year where I look for a word to frame my outlook for the year ahead. This will be my twelfth time doing so—but the first where my word (or phrase, in this instance) is one I am already practicing in depth and hope to continue until the end of my days.

I mean—I’m so committed to it that I’m getting it tattooed on my weary, aging body. (Which made for a wonderful moment when I told my father-in-law that his Christmas gift money was going to finance my tattoos. I’ve never seen his face drop like that. It was like a bonus Christmas gift!)

As this year finds me at a loss in so many ways, the one thing that I feel solidly rooted in is that I am living my season of “yes, and…no.” What exactly does that mean? It means I am doing my best at living my life trying to say “yes” to the things I truly want—and “no” to the things I don’t. Sounds decadently selfish, doesn’t it? Except it’s not—and I keep having to reinforce that with myself over and again.

I’m not talking about shirking responsibilities and living a life of hedonism. For me, this is growing into a place of learning what I actually want and doing it—and then also having the freedom to say “no” to the “shoulds” that can suffocate life. It is no easy task—especially for someone who has lived a life of hypervigilance trying to keep others—particularly one other—appeased. (Last year’s word touches on this.) But I am determined to commit to living a better life in this way.

I started working on this before I had my little catchphrase, of course, but the first part of the phrase dropped right into my lap when I took an improv class last year (something my heart knew I wanted to say “yes” to) at Westside Improv in Wheaton, Illinois. One of the very first things you learn in the improv world is “yes, and…” as a way to build a scene and support your partner. Notice it’s not just “yes”—the “and” is critical, too. It means you agree and add something of your own. It builds trust and helps scenes go places—not just come to a screeching halt. (“Hey, you look ten feet tall in those new jockey silks!”/”Uh…I’m not a jockey”…and…thud.)   

Now, for me, this kind of “yes, anding” was even more impactful because it was modeling the way to agree and support someone not to appease but to build something good and healthy. That’s a lot of unlearning for a girl like me, and the feeling of “yes, anding” for the right reasons is amazing. It fills up a tank I didn’t even know I had.

And guess what? When you come into a new community where that is the foundational principle? Wonderful things happen. Other tenets like listening, being fully present, and seeing mistakes as opportunities to be better add to the atmosphere and make Westside a place that has become a very important part of my life. And then there’s the fact that it’s pretty damn funny—which is a great fringe benefit.

All this goes beyond improv, too. Looking at life through the “yes, and…” filter can change relationships and situations for the better—helping me not only in discerning what to say “yes” to, but knowing it’s really hard to go wrong with listening and being present. And if my inner critic can’t lay me out because of a mistake? Bonus.

I’m grateful for this continual practice.

So…what about the “no” part? It may sound contradictory, but saying “no” is also a key part of this season for me—but in a different application. “Nos” come in when the “shoulds” that push me to say “yes” out of what others want rather than what I may want (or need) rear their heads.

While I know this happens to everyone, I think this is a burden borne more heavily by women than men, as we have been trained to attend to the needs of others from a very early age. Though things are becoming slightly better balanced in the 21st century, all it takes is a visit to a school activity to see who is expected to make the brownies and sew the play costumes. Of course, this stuff does need to get done (we don’t want kiddos performing in their birthday suits), but let’s hear it for a healthy rotation! Brené Brown speaks about how if we can get past the uncomfortable minute that a “no” creates, we can save a lengthy aggravation or upset for ourselves (and often those who live with us!) She actually spins a ring she wears to give her a moment to decide what is the right answer for her—and if it’s “no,” well that’s completely acceptable.

This is often a toughie—especially when I’m put on the spot. But I know I’m getting stronger—and each time a “no” is said for the right reasons, the reinforcement of why this is important washes over me (right after I attempt to eschew the guilt from disappointing others).

The truth is that with time as precious as it is, I just don’t want to be spending any more of it than I absolutely have to doing things that don’t nurture my heart and soul—and that doesn’t translate to a little girl stomping her feet and getting the candy she demands—because my heart and soul aren’t only interested in me. Rather, it’s about excavating the mounds of ‘stuff’ life heaps upon a person and figuring out what is true to remain or find—and then building on that. Knowing the “right nos” makes me a better person—and that makes me a better family member, friend, and community member.

I hope my “yes, and…no” season lasts until I take my own special dirt nap—and I hope the same for you. Seeing life as a world of possibilities to be realized through positivity and support of and from others—with healthy boundaries to protect the time we have to do so—is a way to keep afloat in this crazy riptide of life. And who knows? Instead of exhausting myself against the current, I just may end up on a beautiful tropical island!

*The photo above is the first tattoo I am getting early in 2025. I bet you can guess what the second one is.

Frageelay – A Baker’s Dozen

~ Lisa Ancona-Roach ~ Leave a comment

For the thirteenth Christmas Eve(ish) post in my “Frageelay series,” I find myself at a bit of a loss in what direction to take. Honestly, I’m trying to be in the Christmas spirit, but the state of our world makes it very challenging. I look back on previous Frageelay posts and smile at what was a kind of sweet optimism and faith that–if I still have–must be lost somewhere in a closet I need to reorganize.

Merry Christmas, right?

Sorry–I don’t mean to be bleak at a festive time. I’m grateful for my family and friends and for the love and meaning these relationships bring to my life–and I’m particularly grateful for the love and laughter that comes from spending time in a wonderful community (shoutout Westside!) that continually brings out the best in people.

But even though this is Christmas Eve(ish), I’m not going to sugarcoat the reality that we have either actively created or passively allowed our world to be pretty f’ed up. I find it extremely difficult not to feel as though we are on a precipice leading to an even more dire time in our history. SO…with THAT twinkle of Christmas joy, let me point you back to last year’s more coherent piece that is still true for me today.

And wherever you may be–full of hope or struggling–may your holidays be full of the love and warmth that will give you the strength to strive to make tomorrow a better day.

Frageelay Numero Dodici