Tag: goals

My Season of “Yes, and…No”

~ Lisa Ancona-Roach ~ 3 Comments

It’s that time of year where I look for a word to frame my outlook for the year ahead. This will be my twelfth time doing so—but the first where my word (or phrase, in this instance) is one I am already practicing in depth and hope to continue until the end of my days.

I mean—I’m so committed to it that I’m getting it tattooed on my weary, aging body. (Which made for a wonderful moment when I told my father-in-law that his Christmas gift money was going to finance my tattoos. I’ve never seen his face drop like that. It was like a bonus Christmas gift!)

As this year finds me at a loss in so many ways, the one thing that I feel solidly rooted in is that I am living my season of “yes, and…no.” What exactly does that mean? It means I am doing my best at living my life trying to say “yes” to the things I truly want—and “no” to the things I don’t. Sounds decadently selfish, doesn’t it? Except it’s not—and I keep having to reinforce that with myself over and again.

I’m not talking about shirking responsibilities and living a life of hedonism. For me, this is growing into a place of learning what I actually want and doing it—and then also having the freedom to say “no” to the “shoulds” that can suffocate life. It is no easy task—especially for someone who has lived a life of hypervigilance trying to keep others—particularly one other—appeased. (Last year’s word touches on this.) But I am determined to commit to living a better life in this way.

I started working on this before I had my little catchphrase, of course, but the first part of the phrase dropped right into my lap when I took an improv class last year (something my heart knew I wanted to say “yes” to) at Westside Improv in Wheaton, Illinois. One of the very first things you learn in the improv world is “yes, and…” as a way to build a scene and support your partner. Notice it’s not just “yes”—the “and” is critical, too. It means you agree and add something of your own. It builds trust and helps scenes go places—not just come to a screeching halt. (“Hey, you look ten feet tall in those new jockey silks!”/”Uh…I’m not a jockey”…and…thud.)   

Now, for me, this kind of “yes, anding” was even more impactful because it was modeling the way to agree and support someone not to appease but to build something good and healthy. That’s a lot of unlearning for a girl like me, and the feeling of “yes, anding” for the right reasons is amazing. It fills up a tank I didn’t even know I had.

And guess what? When you come into a new community where that is the foundational principle? Wonderful things happen. Other tenets like listening, being fully present, and seeing mistakes as opportunities to be better add to the atmosphere and make Westside a place that has become a very important part of my life. And then there’s the fact that it’s pretty damn funny—which is a great fringe benefit.

All this goes beyond improv, too. Looking at life through the “yes, and…” filter can change relationships and situations for the better—helping me not only in discerning what to say “yes” to, but knowing it’s really hard to go wrong with listening and being present. And if my inner critic can’t lay me out because of a mistake? Bonus.

I’m grateful for this continual practice.

So…what about the “no” part? It may sound contradictory, but saying “no” is also a key part of this season for me—but in a different application. “Nos” come in when the “shoulds” that push me to say “yes” out of what others want rather than what I may want (or need) rear their heads.

While I know this happens to everyone, I think this is a burden borne more heavily by women than men, as we have been trained to attend to the needs of others from a very early age. Though things are becoming slightly better balanced in the 21st century, all it takes is a visit to a school activity to see who is expected to make the brownies and sew the play costumes. Of course, this stuff does need to get done (we don’t want kiddos performing in their birthday suits), but let’s hear it for a healthy rotation! Brené Brown speaks about how if we can get past the uncomfortable minute that a “no” creates, we can save a lengthy aggravation or upset for ourselves (and often those who live with us!) She actually spins a ring she wears to give her a moment to decide what is the right answer for her—and if it’s “no,” well that’s completely acceptable.

This is often a toughie—especially when I’m put on the spot. But I know I’m getting stronger—and each time a “no” is said for the right reasons, the reinforcement of why this is important washes over me (right after I attempt to eschew the guilt from disappointing others).

The truth is that with time as precious as it is, I just don’t want to be spending any more of it than I absolutely have to doing things that don’t nurture my heart and soul—and that doesn’t translate to a little girl stomping her feet and getting the candy she demands—because my heart and soul aren’t only interested in me. Rather, it’s about excavating the mounds of ‘stuff’ life heaps upon a person and figuring out what is true to remain or find—and then building on that. Knowing the “right nos” makes me a better person—and that makes me a better family member, friend, and community member.

I hope my “yes, and…no” season lasts until I take my own special dirt nap—and I hope the same for you. Seeing life as a world of possibilities to be realized through positivity and support of and from others—with healthy boundaries to protect the time we have to do so—is a way to keep afloat in this crazy riptide of life. And who knows? Instead of exhausting myself against the current, I just may end up on a beautiful tropical island!

*The photo above is the first tattoo I am getting early in 2025. I bet you can guess what the second one is.

What No Longer Serves

~ Lisa Ancona-Roach ~ 3 Comments

There is something about a new year that feels “blank slate” and offers up a chance to set lofty goals—at least that’s how I approached 2023 in choosing integrate as my word of the year. Reflecting on it, I have actually made some progress…but have a lifetime of practicing to go.

This year’s word is an intimate glimpse into that practicing, and since vulnerability is a part of the practice, too, here goes…

Everybody has their issues, challenges, and history of hurts, and my personal story includes having a clinically diagnosed narcissist with borderline personality disorder for a mother. She passed a few years ago, and this is by no means an attempt to “disparage the dead” but—let’s just say it didn’t make for a lot of easy laughs and unconditional love. My mom was privately explosive and unkind, which created a hypervigilance in me to do my best not to trip her trigger.

You’re probably thinking, “Good Lord, Lisa…where is this going? It’s a word of the year, for crimony’s sake!” I know, I know. I’m getting there.

My mom lived to a ripe old age, and I was a seasoned professional at walking on eggshells and trying to manage circumstances to appease her. Eventually, I got into therapy and started learning, among other things, that it wasn’t my job to try and make her happy. But intellectually learning something and internally letting go of practices that kept me safe as a kid (but are no longer needed) are two very different things. One is easy…the other…not so much.

I noticed many years ago that I am almost always clenching a muscle somewhere in my body. Subconsciously, I create a physical tension—perhaps part of my hypervigilance to always be ready. It’s exhausting. When I recognize that I’m doing it, I literally make myself stop and let go. And I am now understanding more clearly how I do the same internally, as well. I am coiled and ready to spring into action at any moment to make sure landmines are averted. It, too, is exhausting. But guess what? The landmines are gone—and even if they aren’t—they are not my responsibility.

Which finally brings me to my word of the year…

I see 2024 as a year to add to my practice of trying to be a better human being the discipline of release. The release of actions that no longer serve me or the people I love. I’m not fully sure what that means or how to do it, but I know that when I find myself walking on eggshells or managing landmines, I need to stop and recognize I’ve retired from that job. And I need to let go of the resentment that comes along as part of the package at no extra charge. Just like I do when I tell myself to relax a clenched muscle, I need to release myself from the constraints of well-worn patterns and emotionally “relax.”

As I’ve shared before, my word of the year often falls right into my lap, but this year, as I was reflecting on what my word might be, other synonyms came and went before release settled in…unravel, uncoil, unwind, and unfold all spoke to me in different ways. When “unfold” was speaking up, it of course made me think of Steven Curtis Chapman’s song that has touched me deeply at other times of my life.

No matter what shape your faith life is in or where it falls on the “spiritual spectrum,” I think you will appreciate this video. While it is about a “Glorious Unfolding,” it is also the beautiful gift of a father releasing his daughter from grief and encouraging her to live her life to the fullest. It is just the kind of release I am striving for.

It’s a good thing I love learning because it seems there is always homework to do. But I am grateful to have this life to keep working on all of it.

May your 2024 be a year of practicing release of what isn’t helping, embracing what is, and being able to know the difference between the two.  

2020: If You Play Your Cards…Right?

~ Lisa Ancona-Roach ~ 2 Comments

*Please note: while this title may make you think this is a political post, it is SO not! This is my annual “word of the year” post…and I hope you enjoy it.

If you play your cards right, you’ll…fill in the blank. The dictionary defines this cliché as “to do things in an intelligent and well-planned way.” As in, “if you play your cards right, you’ll get the job,” or anything along those lines.

So where exactly am I going with my punny title for this year’s “word of the year” post? I’m glad you asked.

When the next year is over—2020—it will be hindsight. (Another pun! So silly.) And I don’t want to look back and see that I have yet again still not prioritized play in my life like it needs to be. My ToDo list looms large over every day…and it feels like a pass/fail test…where failure is the norm.

Truth be told, when I was a kid, my mom made my having fun difficult. If someone invited me to do something, it was always an issue. She never made it easy, and I think because of that, I was kind of trained to avoid causing any issues by downsizing my quest for fun. Her impact continued into my adulthood where, after my father’s death when I had just turned 21, she made me feel guilty for doing anything that didn’t include her. Because of this, the fun I had in my 20s (and more) often included my mom, so…yeah. I had fun, but it was rarely carefree.

This is not to say that I do not know how to have fun or that I do not have fun. I love to laugh and have a good time. But I don’t do well at 1) prioritizing/planning for it or 2) not feeling guilty about it.

I’ve spent a lot of years being responsible to a fault. And now my ability to play needs to be amped up.

For instance, this year’s winter break was exceptional—I had more unscheduled and unstructured time than I have had since I was a kid. But I didn’t even know what to do to make the most of it! My guys and I all had time off, and we just hung out. Now, this was great—but there was more hanging and less doing than what I had envisioned. Typically, I feel too tired…and too used to taking the easier path of not prioritizing fun.

It’s like after years of not working out consistently, my flabby muscles are tired and resistant and don’t want to commit to the initial push needed to get back in the game.

This is why my word for 2020 (if you haven’t already figured it out) is…PLAY.

Studies show that play is critical to a healthy life. People like Dr. Stuart Brown have researched just how critical play is in our lives.

Our culture has demonized leisure time as something that only “losers” have. One of my favorite (NOT) responses when I ask someone if they are, say—watching “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”—is “Oh…I wish I had time to watch TV…”

Sorry, but some of us really need to get over ourselves.

A healthy work ethic does not have to directly correlate to a lack of fun ethic. It should not be a badge of honor to be so consumed with the HaveTos of life that we simply can’t let ourselves relax and watch a little TV.

And, honestly, while I have gotten better at ignoring this stigma toward playtime, I just kind of suck at making it happen. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know what I think would be fun.

I want this to improve in 2020.

Now at the age of 52, finally playing with a full deck (get it?! 😊), too much of my life IS hindsight. I look in my life’s rearview mirror and know that I should have made it a point to make more fun stops along the way. And it is up to me to do that on the road ahead.

Play shouldn’t be a guilty detour. It should be a part of the drive that makes the journey all the better. Perhaps even a fuel that keeps us going in the right direction.

So I’m hoping to play my cards right this year—both literally (I enjoy card games!) and figuratively. My aim is to infuse my life with more purposeful play and to believe that it is not only fun…but right.

What do you say…are you game?

2019 – A Time to Create

~ Lisa Ancona-Roach ~ 12 Comments


I didn’t intend on being one of those “word of the year” people. They can be annoying, can’t they? But dammit if another another new year has come and another new word to help guide the year’s goals has found me. It started a few years ago with ripples, and every year since a word comes to me that makes complete sense…as it does on the dawn of this new year.

For many reasons, I want 2019 to be a year to create like never before.

As a writer, I always strive to create, but I’m not just talking about words here (though they are a huge part of my goals for creating). No…I mean create in a much broader sense…

I’ve been “responsible” since as far back as I can remember. And while being a responsible person is a good thing overall in my book, when it is the primary thing it can be stifling to other parts of life. And as my responsibilities in life shift (with my mom’s passing and my son angling toward maturity), I want to rediscover—or maybe discover for the first time—aspects of life and embrace opportunities to create.

I want 2019 to be the beginning of a way of being. In too many ways I’ve been living a “dress rehearsal” existence, but 2018 has really reinforced for me that there is no such thing.

Now is the time.

A bottle of wine makes a good analogy for this. I love wine, but I don’t have a wine fridge or cellar—just a little ol’ wine rack. On that rack, I’ve kept some bottles of wine for years, thinking they would be used for special occasions.

Over a decade ago, I brought home a bottle of wine from a trip to Hawaii that my mom took us on for her 80th birthday. I held onto it for one of those special occasions. With my mom’s passing this year, Thanksgiving was our first holiday without her, so I thought it made sense to open that bottle of wine and make a remembrance toast to her. There was just one problem. After so many years of fluctuating temperatures on that wine rack, the wine had gone bad.

I waited so long for that “special occasion” that we lost our opportunity to enjoy it.

Waiting too long for life’s special occasions means letting the wine of life turn into vinegar.

Now is the time.

So yes, the CREATE of 2019 means DO the book that I’ve wanted to for so long.

But it also means…

ENGAGE in more experiences—including having more fun.

EXPERIENCE and SAVOR more of life’s sweet specifics (ala the Weissmans in Paris, if you watch “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”).

MAKE our home a soul space for my family and me. That means getting much needed projects going as well as simplifying/purging/minimizing to lighten both our physical and mental loads.

TRAVEL – Waiting for the “someday” doesn’t work. Doing does. There are too many places to see and already too little time to see them. Better to work on the list than just pine for that “someday.”

LEARN by making more time to read and discover. Creativity stagnates without a broadening horizon.

And, as all of this is mostly a reaffirmation of the obvious, there is the continuous goal to CREATE more opportunities for positive change…for hope to spark…for hearts to grow…for love to win.

I want 2019 to be a year for all of us that begins (or perhaps for you continues) the creation of a Glorious Unfolding…

It’s true, as Andy says in The Shawshank Redemption, that it’s up to us to “get busy living or get busy dying.”

In many ways, at least for me, creativity = life. And so, in 2019, I aim to create by rolling up my sleeves and getting busy living and doing.

It’s about time.

All photos are used with permission.

10 Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

~ Lisa Ancona-Roach ~ 3 Comments

With the coming of the New Year, many of us feel the pull to make some changes and start fresh on a few fronts. If you’re like me, too often this is a setup for failure—unless you use my recipe for success. Continue reading “10 Resolutions You Can Actually Keep” →

When Dreams Sit on a Comfortable “Someday” Shelf

~ Lisa Ancona-Roach ~ 6 Comments

…It Too Often Is Where They Remain

It was never a dream of mine to, while sitting in the backseat of a car going 55 mph, hold hands with someone sitting in the backseat of another car…but I did it. It was not one of my brighter decisions, though I must admit it was exhilarating. It was an impulsive risk, and it’s the kind I’ve taken at times throughout my life.

Continue reading “When Dreams Sit on a Comfortable “Someday” Shelf” →