There is a movement afoot, and it is a vital one. It seems to me that we are finally accepting that the world is full of broken people, and it’s time we stopped pretending like we aren’t.
The reality that most (if not all) of us are stumbling along the path of life is nothing new, for sure, but I feel like the acknowledgement and embracing of it is new. Continue reading “Beautifully Broken”
There is a tiny little space that can make all the difference in our relationships, according to The Book of Me. (That’s not really a book (yet) but it is more fun to say than “in my opinion.”) The results of creating this minute space can ripple far beyond the immediate.
What exactly is this space? I call it the Quiet Space—the time between listening to what someone has said to you and replying to it. It is that time where we have heard what the other person has said, processed it (at least in part), and thought about what our reply should be. Because our brains are so amazing, this only takes a moment, but it can be a truly powerful one.
I’ve lived enough years and paid enough attention to life to know that a common thing pretty much everyone wants is to feel truly heard—to be understood. I know I do. Maybe that’s why I love writing so…it is filled with quiet spaces of thought and a desire to be understood.
I also have enough self-awareness to know that I am guilty of thinking of the next thing I want to say rather than giving my full attention to the one speaking. This is particularly evident in an argument—when I am busy getting my next line of defense in order, rather than digesting what words are coming my way.
Very human…and also very frustrating.
If two people are not allowing for quiet space, they are merely speaking at each other, not to each other and will most likely find this as satisfying as slapping their respective heads against the wall. I’m pretty sure we’ve all been there and have the flat foreheads to prove it.
With a little quiet space and a feeling of being understood, arguments can slow down and maybe even come to a resolution (a what?) rather than adding logs to the fire.
But the quiet space doesn’t just help end combat—it also acts as a net for those you love to know they can fall into.
Let’s peek in on this imaginary scenario: maybe you’re sipping a coffee at a local establishment doodling on your phone when the table next to you is having an intimate conversation. (I have to say, I think people at these places believe that each table is a soundproof room or something, because LOTS is shared…and loudly…so even though I want to play QI for the 3648 time on Words with Friends, I can’t help but overhear…)
The first friend shares, “I don’t know what to do. He said he’s done trying and wants out. I can’t believe this is happening to me.”
“Oh, it’ll be fine,” her friend responds. “He’s probably just trying to make a point. I can’t tell you how many times George has said something like that to me. I remember one time when…” and off she goes to tell her hurting friend about something from her own life, rather than truly digesting what her friend has said and responding to it.
Now, the “listener” isn’t a bad person…she’s just not letting her friend’s words get all the way into her heart. For whatever reason, we all too often respond with a “me, too” or a quick bit of advice, rather than letting the words sink in and register. With a little honoring of the quiet space, the chance to let some real compassion grow increases a bunch.
If the listener hears and processes why her friend is sharing, her response might take a totally different turn into something like, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. No wonder you’re confused—this is tough stuff.”
And instead of just swapping marital war stories, the friend now feels as though she has a safe place to share her hurt.
I think this can move mountains when it comes to connecting with one another.
Think of the impact we can have in our daily lives and the lives of those we care about with a little more quiet space and a little less need to fill the void with our own next (very important!) words.
Some quiet space goes a long way in letting real communication happen. It gives us the chance to understand the other person and measure our own response. What a wonderful opportunity!
And there is no risk involved—only the promise of gain. What an awesome investment of time.
Don’t neglect the power of the quiet space. It is in fact the absence of an immediate response that can speak the loudest of all. You gotta love the irony.
Disney’s movie Frozen has a song in it called “Let It Go” that seems to have taken on a life of its own. I loved the movie, and I know my son enjoyed it, but…it obviously didn’t resonate with him the way it did with me.
In fact, as I was caught up in the story and song (and the new reclining lounge seats in the theater were a lovely bonus), he turned to me and said, “It’s good and all, but I think there’s too much singing.”
Well, Doug Downer, what’s up with that?
I’ve since read countless Facebook comments from my friends with little girls remarking that their daughters know the song by heart and won’t stop singing it. It is so popular that Disney re-released the movie in a sing-along version.
So…why? Why is this song so popular?
Well, just take a(nother) listen…
It is a captivating song about embracing your power and letting your fears go to become the person you were meant to be. Who doesn’t love that?
Yet it is definitely something that has caught on with girls more than boys. Granted, it’s not the typical movie that would become a boy’s favorite—after all, it is about two sisters (“ew!”) and their story, so it is not necessarily something that boys would gravitate toward, but I think there’s more to it.
Though Disney can’t seem to have a female lead that isn’t storybook gorgeous, the song’s message is not about embracing the power of your sexuality but rather your true gift…whatever that might be. If you notice in the clip, it doesn’t take Elsa long to hone that gift into amazing beauty once she decides to declare it.
And now, lookout people, because I’m about to go uber soapbox here.
We need to embrace who we are—all of us—but we need to particularly teach our girls that they need to embrace who they are and not try to fit into the cookie cutter mode of what is “expected” of women in this culture.
Maybe our girls are rocking out on it because they need to hear that it is okay to let it go and be themselves. Maybe they need to hear it more than we are saying it. Even in 2014.And maybe we grown women need to hear it, too.
Like the words in the song, we need to not care about what others say and let go of that “perfect girl” and the “good girl” and find out what beauty lies within us.
It seems like a non-argument to raise each other up for our true gifts and encourage our own truths, but that’s not what we as a society are teaching really, is it?
In this culture of celebrity and over-sexualized objectification, I think we have a lot more work to do.
I remember learning long ago how even in body language females are taught to “fold in” while males are taught to stretch out, and I find it to be true—women are encouraged in general to take up less space.
And then I see little six-year-old girls in dance class being taught how to bump and grind like grown women and wear full makeup and dress beyond their years, and I wonder what message they are taking away from that.
And girls who only want to be cheerleaders (go ahead and call it a sport, but it is rooted in cheering the boys on rather than participating in the sport itself) because they don’t want to “be a jock,” and I wonder why that label is so unappealing to them.
Please know that I am not saying that being a dancer or cheerleader is inherently wrong—but I do think that we need to pay attention to the messages that might lurk within.
After all—if that is the true gift for someone—to dance or do complex cheerleading mounts, then go for it! But if it is done because of “shoulds” and fears of not wanting to stand out in the “wrong” way, then I say we need to LET IT GO.
Let it go. Forget what the world sees in you or expects of you and look for what makes your heart truly beat…and then DO it.
Without apology. Without worry that you will be seen as less.
Because it is only when you let it go and let yourself be who God made you to be that you can be all the MORE you were meant to be.
Even if it means being out in the cold…just remember to tell yourself…
…the cold never bothered me anyway.
Today’s Frabjous Friday post is all about perspective.
Living in the Chicago area, let me diplomatically say this winter bites. I have pretty much had it with the snow. But in the video below, we get to see a little girl experience rain for the first time. What joy she has.
Share in it, my friends.
And let’s remember that after the harshness of winter comes the beauty of spring.
Kayden + Rain from Nicole Byon on Vimeo.
I can only imagine what giggles her first experience with snow would bring!
[Email subscribers: please remember you will have to click through to my blog to view the clip.]
When a new year comes, some people like to choose a word for themselves that will frame the year ahead. I have never been one to be so proactive and seek a “word of the year” for myself, but this year the word found me.
My friend Suzanne writes a beautiful blog, and one of her posts placed the word right in my lap. She had written a piece about the tragic loss of her friend’s son. In her beautiful way, Suzanne honored the young man and shared that, “Like a pebble skipped on the lake that Jake adored, his life created ripples that will continue forever.”
There it was.
Ripples.
Now, I have often used the word as a way to describe how the actions we take cause effects, etc., but sometimes when a word is placed in a certain context, it just jumps off the page and changes you.
Ripples.
It made me think about how I wanted to be more mindful of life’s ripples. Both the ripples that I create with my actions, and the ripples that touch me through others’ actions. It made me think and feel.
Interestingly enough, Suzanne and I became friends through someone else’s ripple effect. Our mutual friend Kathleen connected us, and though Kathleen has found her way Home, her touch continues to ripple into the lives of many, many people. Kathleen left ripples that, like Jake, will continue forever.
The film It’s a Wonderful Life has made its way into several of my posts, and I love it dearly. I think one of the many reasons it is my favorite movie is that from a very young age it helped me understand the power of ripples. If George Bailey had never been born, life would have been drastically different for many people—people he never understood he had an effect on because the ripples of life undulate long past our immediate surroundings.
And so, in 2014, my guiding word is ripples. What am I doing that is putting in motion ripples of kindness and compassion? What should I think twice about because it might ripple on in a way that could cause hurt? What will I do with my days that will reach out and leave someone feeling a little bit better about life?
My words and actions matter.
So do yours.
And so I will be even more thankful for the ripples of kindness shown to me. The sweet words from a friend who wants me to know I count. The way it feels when someone actually listens if I risk going beyond “I’m fine” when they ask how I am.
I will cherish the people in my life who truly connect with me in both giving and receiving—where it’s not just a one-way street that can leave me feeling as though I am the only one who cares.
I won’t forget how it felt when a friend and coworker made a meal for my family when my mom was in the hospital or the words of concern and care from another even though her own life is tossed on its head.
So often we can leave positive ripples by just being present and showing someone that they matter. And then what? How might that ripple continue on? We all know of stories about how someone offered care at a moment that, unbeknownst to them, was the breaking point for the other person, and the help came at a critical turning point.
We simply do not know all that others are dealing with. Our simple acts of kindness might leave more of an impact than we could have ever known.
A very dear friend of mine was a teacher for thirty years. She is one of the most caring people I’ve ever known. I can’t imagine how far her ripple extends in the lives she has touched both in and out of the classroom. I truly believe that for generations to come, her impact will be felt.
She is just one example of those I know who, if Clarence came down and showed them how the world would be without them, it would be a much sadder place.
Ripples…big or small…they extend out to the world. Who knows how far those ripples will undulate or where they might reach, but they matter.
God has each of us on this earth for our own personal, special reason. And though I’m still striving to understand mine, while I’m on the journey, I hope I am creating my own ripples of love and understanding…
one
little
pebble
of care
at a time.
I had a conversation this weekend that I must admit brought out great envy in me. Like if envy were people, I’d be China.
The green-eyed monster flared up when I was having a conversation with a woman I work with part-time. She was explaining to me how she had been working creatively…for hours and hours. Hours and hours, people. In the brief time that I’ve sat down to write this post, my son (home from school today because of the damn polar vortex) has interrupted me somewhere near 97 times.
Granted, she is retired (though very active), so her life tugs are understandably much different than mine. But she was explaining to me how she “needed something to do” with her time, and she ended up discovering this passion for designing beautiful boxes that are then used for care packages at the organization she and I are both part-timing at. [The place is called Phil’s Friends, and its mission is to bring hope to those affected by cancer. If you’ve got a hankering to do something with a few bucks and/or your time, go to their website and learn about the wonderful things they do.]
The work she does is lovely—fun and colorful, and just the right spirit to add to the loving care packages.
She described to me how her kitchen table is splayed with boxes and she just gets lost in her work for hours at a stretch. I am amazed at the effort she puts into them. It is clearly her passion, and it brings her great joy.
I want to be like the Box Lady.
In my juggle-struggle world, I have forgotten what it is like to have time to fill. And if I do decide to wrap things up on any given night, about the most I can muster is watching TV and wiping the drool from my chin. Something tells me you might be able to relate.
I realize that the seasons of life offer different opportunities, but I could really use some focus time in this current season of my life. I want to have Box Lady experiences now.
I want to have a “snow” (aka “extreme cold”) day where instead of thinking of the HaveTos that need doing, I can immerse myself in an endeavor that brings me joy. Even if only for a little while.
And though I do make time to do things that are not just “on the list,” one of my biggest challenges is how I feel while doing them. For instance, as a writer, I do make time to write this blog. I could have more time for other HaveTos if I didn’t, but I need to write, so I do. But while I’m taking the time to do so, I keep battling all the other HaveTos that keep poking their way into my thoughts and making me feel like I need to stop. “Hurry up, Lisa. You are wasting your time. You need to get back to _____ and ____ and ____.”
I’d like to take that nasty little voice of harping and guilt and choke the life blood out of it. Yeah, I’d like five minutes alone in a room with that little voice. I’d really give her a what-for. Oh, wait. That voice is inside my head. All. The. Time.
I need to find a way to create Box Lady experiences without that little voice squelching the good that comes from it. Now.
My soul needs it. It craves it.
The clock is ticking.
“Someday” isn’t good enough—because there is no “someday” guarantee. There is only today. (As cold and claustrophobic as this one might be.)
There is only today.
thejugglestruggle.net 