Posted in Life As I Know It

Blank Canvases

I must admit that, though my mom died well over a year ago, I haven’t fully dealt with all of her belongings yet. I mean…my sister and I have gone through all that we are aware of, but there were times where certain things got the “to be dealt with more fully later” stamp. One group that got that stamp was all of her art supplies.

Many years ago, my mom shared how she wanted to paint…she felt that she might be decent at it. Given that one of my roles with her was lifelong cheerleader, I took that confession as an opportunity to facilitate that desire. Paints…brushes…an apropos French easel…she had her own personal kickstarter campaign.

Relatively early on in the whole process, she painted a lovely winter scene…and got a lot of positive reinforcement for her work. Everyone who saw it was impressed and complimented her. It should have been a great catalyst to continue exploring her creativity.

But while she did paint some…it was more accurate to describe her as someone who wanted to paint rather than a painter. “Are oils too much work? How about acrylics? Watercolor? Maybe pastels or charcoal?” I would bring home all different mediums for her to try, but many remained untouched. I tried hard to understand what was standing in her way.

She was.

Excuse after excuse would always pop up. “If I had that wall shelf installed, then I would be able to set things up like I want…” Shelf installed…no painting. “I just need better lighting…” Special easel light bought…no painting. Even an art class didn’t do more than help her complete the class project. No matter what obstacle was overcome, for the most part, the canvases remained blank.

“Mom…why aren’t you painting?” She never really answered the question. One day I asked her if the blank canvas made it too hard for her to begin? Was it too intimidating and asking for more than she thought she could do? Did she feel like each attempt had to be something “good”? Yes, she admitted. She was putting pressure on herself to do something good…and that pressure was resulting in doing nothing rather than just doing something.

I encouraged her to just…paint. Just put something on the canvas as practice with no pressure to have the outcome be anything at all. Just…paint.

I could empathize with her because I know the blank page of a writer can feel just as daunting. Just…write.

Ultimately and sadly, she let the blank canvases win. There was no amount of cheerleading or facilitating that could make her face whatever it was that kept her from moving from wanting to doing.

Later in her life I brought her coloring books so that she wouldn’t even have to think of the blank page and only choose the colors, but by that time she could no longer concentrate or keep her hand steady enough to stick with it for more than a few minutes. Her window of creativity was closed.

My mom’s choices in her efforts at painting are a metaphor for too many of her life choices, as well. She often chose the road of inertia rather than risk…and that meant she left a whole lot of life unlived that could have been so much more. Empty, missed opportunities instead of beautiful experiences of color and texture and joy. You may think I’m being hard in my assessment here, but trust me…I knew the woman. The metaphor fits.

This past weekend, I went through her art stuff. There were a small number of pieces that she had worked on over the years, but they were far outnumbered by blank canvases.

Stories that were never told.

And so I decided I’m not going to leave them blank.

Though writing is where I feel most at home, I am going to fill those damn canvases.

I don’t know with what or how, and I guarantee the results won’t be pretty…but at least they will indeed be.

The above photo includes all of my mom’s paintings—except for the winter scene that I mention as her initial try.

Posted in Life As I Know It

Rising to the Occasion Can Set You Up for a Fall

And that’s okay.

Brace yourselves for this groundbreaking news: life is complicated.

Yeah, I know—nothing even remotely newsworthy there. I know you know this basic truth deep in your bones because, well…if you’re reading this…chances are you’re alive. Continue reading “Rising to the Occasion Can Set You Up for a Fall”

Posted in Life As I Know It

Ducking Doomdarts: The Imperfect Art of Embracing Joyful Moments

Ever feel like you need a joy lift? Like life is Rocky and you are the speed bag? And maybe wondering just when am I going to catch my breath—or better yet, catch a break?

I am aware that I let myself get mired in troubles when I should be keeping a better perspective. As someone who battles anxiety, Continue reading “Ducking Doomdarts: The Imperfect Art of Embracing Joyful Moments”

Posted in Frabjous Friday

An Aquatic Connection

I’m pretty crazy about dolphins. It’s a love I’ve had since as far back as I can remember. I was even blessed enough to swim with them years ago.

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My experience was all I had hoped for and more–their grace and beauty were overwhelming, and when one of them looked me in the eye, I’m pretty sure she saw right into my soul. She pretty much communicated “I see you,” like in the movie Avatar. Powerful stuff.

It was also a whole lot of fun. Breathtaking fun.

I think that’s part of my love for dolphins–they simply exude joy.

For today’s Frabjous Friday post, I want to share a video of a dolphin seeking a diver’s help. It’s a different kind of joy to feel here–the amazing connection between two mammals from two very different worlds.

The diver was there to film stingrays, and the dolphin just swam up as if to say, “Um, excuse me…could you please free me of this hook and line?”

And that’s exactly what happened. Take a look.

[Email subscribers: please remember you will have to click through to my blog to view the clip.]

This dolphin knew enough to ask for help in his struggle.

We should, too.

So if you’ve got a hook and line that’s hurting you, maybe it’s time to find the right diver to set you free.

Sometimes all you need to do is ask.

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PS. If you have a few more minutes and would like to enjoy a “dolphin stampede” that is captured via drone video, watch below.

Posted in Frabjous Friday

Do You Realize How Beautiful You Are?

Continue reading “Do You Realize How Beautiful You Are?”